Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
