still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
