I have demons in me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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