I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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