Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
