just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
