why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
