I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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