remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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