You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
