rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
