I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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