Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
