I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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