I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
