saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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