So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
