Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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