Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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