There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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