please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just had sex bonerless
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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