I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
