If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
