Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
