I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
