I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
