i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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