So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I love you.
Bad choice
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