My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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