Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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