you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
