if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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