I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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