Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize