i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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