Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
