jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
