I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
