Girls should come with a carfax report
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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