you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
