I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize