My cat gives me a boner
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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