I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize