it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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