I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
