Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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