Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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