Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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