i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize