sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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