How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
