I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize