In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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