Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
