omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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